Mental health articles

Th e range of couples’ problems is extensive. Th ere are couples who bicker,
couples who have violent arguments or engage in cold war, couples who are
dealing with jealousy, sexual problems, betrayals, dependency, boredom, and
exploitation. Some couples question whether to move in together or get married;
others question whether to break up. Further, the problems of couples
have complex causes. Usually problems are partly due to his issues, partly due
to her issues, and partly due to their issues—basic incompatibilities between
them. Adding to the complexity, couples’ problems may be exacerbated by stress, academic problems, fi nances, substance abuse, and a host of other concerns,
including the special problems faced by gay and lesbian couples.
For a college therapist working within a brief therapy context, it’s obviously
impossible to delve into and resolve everything. Whether one is working
with an individual having couples problems or with both partners directly,
the therapist must try to fi nd a realistic focus and set of goals. One of the early
questions to resolve is whether both parties in the relationship truly want the
pairing to succeed. If so, then the overall goal is to improve the relationship
in some fashion. If not, then the desired outcome may be dissolution, painful
though that may be for one or both partners.
How does one help students who are having relationship problems? One
way, as suggested above, is by helping them appreciate the negative impact of
historical relationships. Quite oft en, the inevitable reenactments are unwitting.
While psychotherapy cannot change the past (sometimes students seem
to hope that revisiting their early deprivations and injuries will magically
bring about a diff erent outcome), psychotherapy can help students avoid automatically
repeating old self-defeating patterns of behavior.

As Jack’s example makes clear, students having couples’ problems can also
be helped with practical suggestions in addition to key insights. For example,
consider students who are afraid to express feelings and needs. Th ese students
may have been discouraged from doing so as children, whether because they
had been placed in a caretaker role and encouraged to put others’ needs fi rst
or because they had learned that it was necessary to be perfect in order to be
loved; showing weakness or need was to incur rejection. While understanding these issues can of course be helpful, such students can also be given practical
help in expressing needs and feelings appropriately. Th is may take the form
of assertiveness training: “What would you like to say to him? How could
you express it directly?” Role playing and/or giving homework might be utilized.
Cognitive-behavioral techniques, designed to ferret out irrational and
catastrophic assumptions, may also be useful. Th us one might say to a student
afraid to tell her boyfriend that she wants to spend more time with him: “What
exactly are you afraid of? What do you think he would do?”
Sometimes relationship problems are clearly tied to serious psychological
problems of one of the partners—or, more oft en, both partners. (More
oft en than not, students choose partners who, though they may have diff erent
personality styles and issues, are roughly on the same level in terms of emotional
development.) Most notably, if one or both students have borderline
personality traits, relationship problems are a foregone conclusion. Th ese relationships
tend to be characterized by great intensity and tendencies to act out.
Th e drama may revolve around breakups, suicide threats, cheating, physical
violence, and passionate reconciliations. For these disturbed students, or those
involved with them, resolving the relationship problems is impossible without
intensive individual therapy to address individual problems. Th ese students
may present costly dilemmas in terms of time and worry, with demands and
needs not possible to meet.